How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
