I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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