John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
