Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
