I can't breathe out the right side of my face
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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