dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
