He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
