Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
