theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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