I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
