I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
MIDGETS
????
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
