Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
