I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
