love makes seman taste better
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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