Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
