i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
