is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's rum buckets o'clock
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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