We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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