People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
