I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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