Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
