paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
