Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
