just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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