Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
