I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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