I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
