Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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