fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
