I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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