Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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