So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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