I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
