My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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