i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
