I wish my penis had an off switch
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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