We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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