so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
