I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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