I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
