I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
