Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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