the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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