I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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