I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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