please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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