Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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