As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
