True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
