It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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