do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
