He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
