Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
