Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
