Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
