The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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