how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
