Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I cut my penus on the lid.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
