Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
