Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life