So drunk its hurt
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?