we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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